To my son Justin:
How to start? I miss you so much and love you like I never love someone before you never know how much you love someone till you don’t have them I miss everything you do that make me mad before like your mess. your smile your laugh the mornings I was so tired to get up but your voice came across with a sweet tone of mommy I’m starving and I love you is so hard to breath or to do anything whit out calling your name on my mind every minute of the day I want you to be here make mess ask me to play whit you just to be able to hear your voice I know sorry will not fix the seconds,minutes,days and months I haven’t spent whit you but I wish and pray for God to forgive me for the pain I put you and gabby for the nights I dint put you to bed and the times you went to bed whit out my kiss and hugs.. I ‘m so scare to lose you and not have you again I know you will always be my son but I don’t think any mother will be able to life a live whit out there kids. Is funny how life is not everything is forever but pain will always be there to remind you that you are alive, I pray god a lot more than I did before in my life I just feel really lost in this moments is the first time since I had you I’m away and is the worse pain I have felt in my life part of my heart is miles away from me is like been in a dark room whit out air I’m scare if I forget about your face your toes I feel like I’m the worse mother in earth I cry so much but after a day or a month goes by my soul starts to die more and more I try to look for hope some that will make me go one more step I ask god if this is a test because I really don’t understand why, why know and why whit you why not something else. I had your sister went I was 16 I was not ready but I thank god every day for her because she save me and he give her to me for a reason and I took her into my life whit open arms but you, you are different I plan you I was waiting for you imagining your eyes your hands the sound of your voice seeing my body grow and feel you inside me. I die to feel you kicking and to know I have something growing inside me you make my days so happy I wait for you to be in my arms so long and know I don’t have you in them I remember went I saw you for the first time it was so amazing how can someone so beautiful and unique is growing inside me. I’m in so much pain I feel dead asking why will not fix my problems or east my pain away or bring you back to me…
God take this pain away, I’m sorry for the times I did wrong you know me you make me and is no way I will hide my heart and darkest feeling from you but you know I’m a good mother and that I need my kids they are the only thing that keep me alive and give me the strains for every minute of my life to keep on going not for me but for them. I’m so selfish to think I went true hard times in live and hared hard but to be honest I will go true it a 1000 times more if I will have my family together (I just want my son again) I hate myself for not knowing the way of doing thinks and still be there for you I mend all good for my kids and always have them in first place in my life like is supposed to be. I’m so tired to feel sorry for others and be the one that pays for other people mistake and my kids to be in it. I’m dying minute by minute without you in my life I feel it and is the scariest thinks ever knowing that you’re dying and is nothing you can do to stop it; I miss you like the trees miss spring, like an eagle missing the wind in there face and the feeling of it in their wings, I need you like the body needs blood in it is no point in life if I don’t have you and gabby both,. Memories are so mysteries they say the only think you take after you die are memories but they never tell you that the same way they come they fade out from us so you tell me what do we keep to remember or have in us from those we love and miss from the years or moments we enjoy ….
We humans have so much anger hate in our hearts we are prideful and me for experience tell you that that keeps you away from growing in life but at the same time gives you and excuse to keeping on whit the same shit, they say God haves a big book whit our names and that they are to path to live the right one or the wrong one we decide you know why? Because God give us freedom, FREEDOM is not always good it makes you go up or down and no one but you will have all the way on your own shoulders anyone to point your finger at but you because it was your decision. Nothing in life is easy we all know that, is like food bitter sweet you don’t know what it will be like till you put that first spoon of food on your mouth how your body will react to it wend the flavors the texture mix in you and is too late to go back because we love it or we are tempted to experience the same feeling one more time. Life is the same way you never know what is going to be of you till you make the first move till you taste that first spoon of life... Is so hard and impossible for a human body to keep on going whit out a heart or blood and stay alive wend you have kids they are part of you they have your blood your hearth your everything because is a life time commitment and the only one you will die for. You know I’m not a person that cares that much for the material stuff but wend it comes to be about my kids I start missing litter thinks like pictures toys or something that will make me feel connected to them. I miss Justin smell his hair the times he jump on me and ask me to sing till he went to sleep. The plenty of nights I wash over his dreams and the times I explained how much I love him, big as the sky and deep as the ocean and he answer back to me and say I love you this big mommy big as a giant and deep as the universe, I want all of that back I wanted so bad it drive me crazy to keep thinking on it all the time
